The tales of Cleatus and his truck


Cleatus woke up to the sound of the neighbor’s 13 kids playing in the street. He got out of bed and stumbled around the trailer trying to find his favorite jeans and wife beater shirt. He was in a right-fine mood, because today was the day he got to go to the junkyard to pick-up his new truck.

After getting dressed he stepped out the door and was hit by a wave of heat was suddenly very parched. So he headed around to the back of his neighbor’s trailer to have some beer with his friends. He does this every morning and night because of the incredible heat of the worlds biggest trailer park, Arkansas.

“So Cleatus, what kinder truck you say you was gittin’?” asked his friend Dale.

“It’s a ’59 Ford with a eight foot bed and three foot rails all the way ‘round,” replied Cleatus.

“That must cost you a fortune, at least two or three hunert dollars.”

“Yeah but it’s well worth it, considerin’ how many my hogs fit in back.”

“What time you plannin’ on goin’?” asked Bob.

“Probably ‘round nine or ten. Thinkin’ ‘bout gittin’ a ride with Billy Bob, seein’ how as he works there an’ all.”

“Well good luck with that.”

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Three trailers down Billy Bob was just getting up and heard what they were talking about. He intended to bring that same truck home when he got off that afternoon. So then and there he vowed to do anything in his power to stop Cleatus from getting to the junkyard.

So he headed down to the trailer of the most beautiful gal in the park, so as to use her as a distraction. She has long red hair, showered twice a month (twelve times as much as anyone else in the state), and had a strong southern drawl. Her name was Luann.

The next stop was the bait and tackle shop down the street to pick-up some shiny fishin’ lures. He would have to double bag these to keep them from catching his attention.

After this they went to the Kmart to buy beer, bug-zappers, shotgun shells, and a whole mess of stuffed animals.

All of these pick-ups were part of his magnificent scheme to prevent Cleatus from getting to the unkyard.

After running these errands Billy Bob returned to his luxurious doublewide, where he was met by Cleatus.

“Howdy Billy,” said Cleatus, “I’s a wonderin’ iffin you might could gimme a ride down yonder to Bubba’s Junkyard on yer way to work, so as I could pickup my truck?”

“I’m sorry Cleatus, but I’m busy today and can’t help you out there,” replied Billy Bob with rolling eyes and an evil laugh.

“Okay, I’ll walk on down there myself.”

Billy Bob promptly jumped into his truck and spun his tires as he drove down the road.

Hmmm, Cleatus thought, I wonder who was in that truck with him. And why that there evil laugh, I bet he’s up to no good. I better be careful so I don’t lose another toe.

After this intrapersonal conversation with himself he decided to head’um up and move’um out (or leave to city folk). He headed back to his trailer to get his fishin’ tournament hat. Then he started down the main road towards the junkyard.
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Along both sides of the road were thick forests full of critters to hunt in the evenings. From deep in the woods Cleatus could hear his favorite song, “Dueling Banjos.” Little Joey, he thought to himself, must have found more of them damn rafters. Oh well, just so long as we don’t have a repeat of last time.

As Cleatus was remembering the last they found rafters, something shiny just up the road caught his attention. It drew him closer and closer, and before he could stop himself he was playing with the lures left by Billy Bob.

Suddenly a giant cloud blotted out the sun. The spell was broken; the lures no longer sparkled. He dropped them and remembered where he was and where he was going and continued down the road.

A few miles later he heard the oh-so-familiar buzzing of bug-zappers and smelled the aroma of canned beer. He was lift off his feet and drifted toward the sound and smell. When he got there he was dropped face first on a six-pack of beer, and above his head were the lights of the bug-zappers.
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But Billy Bob hadn’t left enough beer. Cleatus finished all three of the six packs in under five minutes, and, because of his daily drinking day in day out with Bob and Dale, he had built up and immense immunity to the effects of alcohol. And the zappers weren’t getting much activity because it was the middle of the day, so they only held his attention for about fifteen minutes.

Cleatus found his way back to the main road and continued at a mosey towards Bubba’s. He was about halfway there when he found the shotgun. It was sitting next to a full box of shells and twenty yards away was an old car with tons of stuffed animals on top. What the hell, he thought, I’m a gittin’ bored and can use some quality entertainment. And with that he loaded the gun and started blasting the tiny stuffed creatures to kingdom come, just as Billy Bob had hoped. But after a while he ran out of ammo and continued his journey, this time with a gun.

He made the rest of the trip without incident, but while he was wandering the dirt trails trying to find the truck he heard a loud rumbling from behind. Knowing he hadn’t eaten any chili recently he swung around to see a bulldozer bearing down on him with, you guessed it, Billy Bob behind the levers. Cleatus ran as fast as his misshapen feet could carry him, but the bulldozer was still gaining. He rounded a corner of old crushed cars and saw his truck. He threw the shotgun in the bed and hopped into the driver’s seat.

When Billy Bob saw this he slammed on the brakes to prevent crushing the truck. Now Cleatus knew why he had been delayed so much and what Billy Bob had been up to that morning, so he started the truck and began driving around the multi-colored mountains trying to find the exit.

Just up ahead he saw the gate. The punched the gas down to the floor and flew out onto the main road. He decided to take the long way home through the woods to avoid any of Billy Bob’s tricks.

He slowed down after he was fairly sure he wasn’t being followed any more and heard the noises of the forest. As the haze lifted from the swamp up ahead he saw a figure emerging. The closer he got the clearer the figure became until he finally recognized it as Luann.
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Billy Bob had arranged for the contingency of Cleatus actually getting the truck and had used Luann as the backup plan. She would seduce him and they would have a “romp” in the woods while Billy Bob, who had been following Cleatus the entire time, went and stole the truck.
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Cleatus got out of the truck and grabbed the gun from the bed and followed Luann into the swamp, but not to far because he figured this might be another trick. He and Luann then waited in the haze so they could barely see the truck. They saw a figure approach the truck and moved in for the attack.

Cleatus moved in behind Billy Bob as he was climbing into the cab and swung the shotgun with all his might. He hit Billy Bob in the back of the head and knocked him out. On the way to the ground, Billy Bob hit his head on the doorframe and snapped his neck.

Luann and Cleatus then went into the woods to “romp.” After they finished Cleatus asked her out.

“Would you go to the drive-in with me tonight?” asked Cleatus, “then you could come on over and meet my kin.”

“Why do I haves to meet your kin?” she replied, “theys my kin too.”

“Oh yeah, I always forgit.”

Cleatus and Luann got married three weeks later at a shotgun wedding. They had twenty-seven kids and lived happily ever after.
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